"The meat and intimacy of f*cking"

I'm in a bit of an emotional slump. It's probably a combination of stress and loneliness. I told him on his last night here that I had no romantic feelings for him. It's true, I only care for him like how I would care for any of my friends here; the only difference is I'm not sleeping with my other friends.

Also because from the start I knew this was only going to be casual no-strings attached and I'm VERY good keeping my heart guarded. So good in fact that I'll probably die alone.

(Also because, quite honestly, at the end he turned out to be quite an asshole. Like hell I'd be in a relationship with someone like him. He set off so many warning bells in my head)

Which brings me back to my slump. We all know where the stress is coming from, only time and tests will get rid of it so it will address itself. The loneliness is terrible though. On the same day he left, I had to also say goodbye to my student whom I had been supervising for 5 weeks. Another loss *sigh*.

What I miss most is having someone to talk to, social interaction after work with someone I don't work with, and the physical contact that comes with sex. I didn't particularly enjoy the act itself, but what I loved and craved the most was the feel and weight of someone else's body on mine, the warmth and smell of their skin, their vocalizations, and most of all just being held close.

06.08.2013

It has been a while. I have been back in Oz for a while now, and recently scored a year's contract in a seaside town.

I am only blogging about this week because there has been a significant event in my life.

At the age of 24, I have finally done it.

He was a 3rd year medical student I was supervising. He set my heart racing the moment I set my eyes on him - tall, dark haired, athletic build, GORGEOUS smile and facial structure. He seemed friendly enough, I took him through what my job encompassed and showed him how I did physical assessments on my patients (and sneaked a touch on his abs, pervy me.. hey I was just checking for ascites! :P)

He asked what there was to do in around here and I said basically there was nothing to do, the gym was an option though! After working out I invited him over for dinner coz he didn't have any dinner plans and I was planning on cooking curry chicken anyway. The next day he asked me out for dinner but I turned that down as I was working late - I did however go over later with some takeaway pizza.

So we chatted for a while but he was flirting and I flirted back pretty shamelessly, there was some light physical contact ("accidental", of course) and then he brought up the topic of relationships. To be more precise he asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him I've never had a boyfriend. After finding out I was a virgin he offered to "educate" me and provide use of himself if I so desired.

And the rest needs no description.

Mind you I am fully aware that this is a no-strings-attached fling, and I am in no way going to fall for this guy because honestly he is only here for 2 weeks, and he has some MAJOR emotional baggage on him *ominous*... I don't ask more about it coz I don't wanna open Pandora's box and unleash a shitstorm

So at the end of this week (and possibly this little escapade), I have learnt a few new things, but the most important thing I learnt is not a good one:

I was dissapointingly a pushover and allowed myself to be pressured into having unprotected sex despite always telling myself that preventing STI's are the most important part of having fun safely. It was highly irresponsible of myself and left me in a lot of personal conflict for days as I always thought I had a strong will but obviously I have no backbone in real situations under pressure.

I also blame my partner as he should have respected my requests to be protected at ALL times - I should have got up and left on those nights.

In any case, whatever the outcome I now know better in future circumstances as it really isn't worth it. Time to put steel rods in that backbone. I just hope this doesn't end up to be a costly lesson.

I haven't regretted anything just yet.