I wish I knew how to quit you

"What Jack remembered and craved in a way he could neither help nor understand was the time... when Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close, the silent embrace satisfying some shared and sexless hunger... Ennis's breath came slow and quiet, he hummed, rocked a little in the sparklight and Jack leaned against the steady heartbeat, the vibrations of the humming like faint electricity and, standing, he fell into sleep that was not sleep but something else drowsy and tranced... Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives. Nothing marred it, even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see nor feel that it was Jack he held. And maybe, he thought, they'd never get much farther that that. Let be, let be." - Brokeback Mountain

Twice when I had been making up a feed for him, he had come up behind me and pulled me close like Ennis did with Jack. I was mildly amused the first time (only because he slapped my butt) but the second time he held me tighter and we rocked a little; me trying to memorise how his hands felt as they roved across my barely clothed body, and trying not to lose myself in that drowsy tranced state Jack described lest I should burn his dinner. And yes I was well aware that it was possible he did not want to see nor feel it was me he held (although deep down inside I also know it to be true that it was myself who refused to embrace him face to face as I was afraid of falling for him for real)

Quitting him is hard - especially now that I know he exists on Facebook and is uploading pics of his gorgeous smile. I expect it will sooner or later be followed with a girl on his arm, thus it is mentally unhealthy to keep doing this. And yet despite my declaration of wanting to cleanse him out of my system, there's the tiniest of tiny voice of wishful thinking saying "find me now"

dodged the karma bullet... i think

So picking up where I last left off...

Yeah. I was in a slump. So I ate. Heaps. Heaps of crappy food. And I grew fat, like 3 kgs in 2 weeks. And I didn't feel any better. Then my housemate left. Loneliness + 1. Only to be replaced by another housemate who isn't quite as sociable. Nevermind, I've got my other housemate and fellow female to kecoh with. I also started going to the gym because she, the ever-fit gym junkie, dragged my sorry ass there.

Then she left. Loneliness + 10! This time however, I decided enough is enough. No more crappy emo eating. I decided to take my frustrations out at the gym.

I also started hanging out with a group of fellow young professionals in the area. They are quite a nice bunch of people however as I am joining them a good 9 months too late, I find it very hard to infiltrate their clique-eyness. Le sigh. Have to put more effort in being sociable, must...be...sociable... *determined*

On the plus side, I am quite possibly at my fittest stage in my entire life - I actually have shoulders now! Woot! And it has been very helpful with dealing with work stress (omfg don't even get me started) and social life stress. But what does this have to do with karma (see post title)?

Well, it still boils back to H-CB. I said I was over him, which is partly true. But a small bit was nagging at me because I thought he might've been in a relationship or worse, MARRIED to his baby momma. Which means super bad karma for me - who already am most paranoid about having my future partner cheat on me (thus, explaining my fear of any relationship because if you don't have a relationship you can't get cheated on! Easy!). And I will admit I have taken to facestalking everyone in his network to try and suss it out but to no avail.

I also resolved to stop doing that, and have successfully kept away for about a fortnight. Until tonight - I randomly facestalked and lo and behold he is finally on Facebook! Status says "single". I know I shouldn't take it at face value but I DONT CARE NOW I CAN FINALLY GET OVER HIM now that there's absolutely nothing connecting us. Not even karma. Joy.

"The meat and intimacy of f*cking"

I'm in a bit of an emotional slump. It's probably a combination of stress and loneliness. I told him on his last night here that I had no romantic feelings for him. It's true, I only care for him like how I would care for any of my friends here; the only difference is I'm not sleeping with my other friends.

Also because from the start I knew this was only going to be casual no-strings attached and I'm VERY good keeping my heart guarded. So good in fact that I'll probably die alone.

(Also because, quite honestly, at the end he turned out to be quite an asshole. Like hell I'd be in a relationship with someone like him. He set off so many warning bells in my head)

Which brings me back to my slump. We all know where the stress is coming from, only time and tests will get rid of it so it will address itself. The loneliness is terrible though. On the same day he left, I had to also say goodbye to my student whom I had been supervising for 5 weeks. Another loss *sigh*.

What I miss most is having someone to talk to, social interaction after work with someone I don't work with, and the physical contact that comes with sex. I didn't particularly enjoy the act itself, but what I loved and craved the most was the feel and weight of someone else's body on mine, the warmth and smell of their skin, their vocalizations, and most of all just being held close.

06.08.2013

It has been a while. I have been back in Oz for a while now, and recently scored a year's contract in a seaside town.

I am only blogging about this week because there has been a significant event in my life.

At the age of 24, I have finally done it.

He was a 3rd year medical student I was supervising. He set my heart racing the moment I set my eyes on him - tall, dark haired, athletic build, GORGEOUS smile and facial structure. He seemed friendly enough, I took him through what my job encompassed and showed him how I did physical assessments on my patients (and sneaked a touch on his abs, pervy me.. hey I was just checking for ascites! :P)

He asked what there was to do in around here and I said basically there was nothing to do, the gym was an option though! After working out I invited him over for dinner coz he didn't have any dinner plans and I was planning on cooking curry chicken anyway. The next day he asked me out for dinner but I turned that down as I was working late - I did however go over later with some takeaway pizza.

So we chatted for a while but he was flirting and I flirted back pretty shamelessly, there was some light physical contact ("accidental", of course) and then he brought up the topic of relationships. To be more precise he asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him I've never had a boyfriend. After finding out I was a virgin he offered to "educate" me and provide use of himself if I so desired.

And the rest needs no description.

Mind you I am fully aware that this is a no-strings-attached fling, and I am in no way going to fall for this guy because honestly he is only here for 2 weeks, and he has some MAJOR emotional baggage on him *ominous*... I don't ask more about it coz I don't wanna open Pandora's box and unleash a shitstorm

So at the end of this week (and possibly this little escapade), I have learnt a few new things, but the most important thing I learnt is not a good one:

I was dissapointingly a pushover and allowed myself to be pressured into having unprotected sex despite always telling myself that preventing STI's are the most important part of having fun safely. It was highly irresponsible of myself and left me in a lot of personal conflict for days as I always thought I had a strong will but obviously I have no backbone in real situations under pressure.

I also blame my partner as he should have respected my requests to be protected at ALL times - I should have got up and left on those nights.

In any case, whatever the outcome I now know better in future circumstances as it really isn't worth it. Time to put steel rods in that backbone. I just hope this doesn't end up to be a costly lesson.

I haven't regretted anything just yet.