I wish I knew how to quit you

"What Jack remembered and craved in a way he could neither help nor understand was the time... when Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close, the silent embrace satisfying some shared and sexless hunger... Ennis's breath came slow and quiet, he hummed, rocked a little in the sparklight and Jack leaned against the steady heartbeat, the vibrations of the humming like faint electricity and, standing, he fell into sleep that was not sleep but something else drowsy and tranced... Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives. Nothing marred it, even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see nor feel that it was Jack he held. And maybe, he thought, they'd never get much farther that that. Let be, let be." - Brokeback Mountain

Twice when I had been making up a feed for him, he had come up behind me and pulled me close like Ennis did with Jack. I was mildly amused the first time (only because he slapped my butt) but the second time he held me tighter and we rocked a little; me trying to memorise how his hands felt as they roved across my barely clothed body, and trying not to lose myself in that drowsy tranced state Jack described lest I should burn his dinner. And yes I was well aware that it was possible he did not want to see nor feel it was me he held (although deep down inside I also know it to be true that it was myself who refused to embrace him face to face as I was afraid of falling for him for real)

Quitting him is hard - especially now that I know he exists on Facebook and is uploading pics of his gorgeous smile. I expect it will sooner or later be followed with a girl on his arm, thus it is mentally unhealthy to keep doing this. And yet despite my declaration of wanting to cleanse him out of my system, there's the tiniest of tiny voice of wishful thinking saying "find me now"