I wish I knew how to quit you

"What Jack remembered and craved in a way he could neither help nor understand was the time... when Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close, the silent embrace satisfying some shared and sexless hunger... Ennis's breath came slow and quiet, he hummed, rocked a little in the sparklight and Jack leaned against the steady heartbeat, the vibrations of the humming like faint electricity and, standing, he fell into sleep that was not sleep but something else drowsy and tranced... Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives. Nothing marred it, even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see nor feel that it was Jack he held. And maybe, he thought, they'd never get much farther that that. Let be, let be." - Brokeback Mountain

Twice when I had been making up a feed for him, he had come up behind me and pulled me close like Ennis did with Jack. I was mildly amused the first time (only because he slapped my butt) but the second time he held me tighter and we rocked a little; me trying to memorise how his hands felt as they roved across my barely clothed body, and trying not to lose myself in that drowsy tranced state Jack described lest I should burn his dinner. And yes I was well aware that it was possible he did not want to see nor feel it was me he held (although deep down inside I also know it to be true that it was myself who refused to embrace him face to face as I was afraid of falling for him for real)

Quitting him is hard - especially now that I know he exists on Facebook and is uploading pics of his gorgeous smile. I expect it will sooner or later be followed with a girl on his arm, thus it is mentally unhealthy to keep doing this. And yet despite my declaration of wanting to cleanse him out of my system, there's the tiniest of tiny voice of wishful thinking saying "find me now"

dodged the karma bullet... i think

So picking up where I last left off...

Yeah. I was in a slump. So I ate. Heaps. Heaps of crappy food. And I grew fat, like 3 kgs in 2 weeks. And I didn't feel any better. Then my housemate left. Loneliness + 1. Only to be replaced by another housemate who isn't quite as sociable. Nevermind, I've got my other housemate and fellow female to kecoh with. I also started going to the gym because she, the ever-fit gym junkie, dragged my sorry ass there.

Then she left. Loneliness + 10! This time however, I decided enough is enough. No more crappy emo eating. I decided to take my frustrations out at the gym.

I also started hanging out with a group of fellow young professionals in the area. They are quite a nice bunch of people however as I am joining them a good 9 months too late, I find it very hard to infiltrate their clique-eyness. Le sigh. Have to put more effort in being sociable, must...be...sociable... *determined*

On the plus side, I am quite possibly at my fittest stage in my entire life - I actually have shoulders now! Woot! And it has been very helpful with dealing with work stress (omfg don't even get me started) and social life stress. But what does this have to do with karma (see post title)?

Well, it still boils back to H-CB. I said I was over him, which is partly true. But a small bit was nagging at me because I thought he might've been in a relationship or worse, MARRIED to his baby momma. Which means super bad karma for me - who already am most paranoid about having my future partner cheat on me (thus, explaining my fear of any relationship because if you don't have a relationship you can't get cheated on! Easy!). And I will admit I have taken to facestalking everyone in his network to try and suss it out but to no avail.

I also resolved to stop doing that, and have successfully kept away for about a fortnight. Until tonight - I randomly facestalked and lo and behold he is finally on Facebook! Status says "single". I know I shouldn't take it at face value but I DONT CARE NOW I CAN FINALLY GET OVER HIM now that there's absolutely nothing connecting us. Not even karma. Joy.

"The meat and intimacy of f*cking"

I'm in a bit of an emotional slump. It's probably a combination of stress and loneliness. I told him on his last night here that I had no romantic feelings for him. It's true, I only care for him like how I would care for any of my friends here; the only difference is I'm not sleeping with my other friends.

Also because from the start I knew this was only going to be casual no-strings attached and I'm VERY good keeping my heart guarded. So good in fact that I'll probably die alone.

(Also because, quite honestly, at the end he turned out to be quite an asshole. Like hell I'd be in a relationship with someone like him. He set off so many warning bells in my head)

Which brings me back to my slump. We all know where the stress is coming from, only time and tests will get rid of it so it will address itself. The loneliness is terrible though. On the same day he left, I had to also say goodbye to my student whom I had been supervising for 5 weeks. Another loss *sigh*.

What I miss most is having someone to talk to, social interaction after work with someone I don't work with, and the physical contact that comes with sex. I didn't particularly enjoy the act itself, but what I loved and craved the most was the feel and weight of someone else's body on mine, the warmth and smell of their skin, their vocalizations, and most of all just being held close.

06.08.2013

It has been a while. I have been back in Oz for a while now, and recently scored a year's contract in a seaside town.

I am only blogging about this week because there has been a significant event in my life.

At the age of 24, I have finally done it.

He was a 3rd year medical student I was supervising. He set my heart racing the moment I set my eyes on him - tall, dark haired, athletic build, GORGEOUS smile and facial structure. He seemed friendly enough, I took him through what my job encompassed and showed him how I did physical assessments on my patients (and sneaked a touch on his abs, pervy me.. hey I was just checking for ascites! :P)

He asked what there was to do in around here and I said basically there was nothing to do, the gym was an option though! After working out I invited him over for dinner coz he didn't have any dinner plans and I was planning on cooking curry chicken anyway. The next day he asked me out for dinner but I turned that down as I was working late - I did however go over later with some takeaway pizza.

So we chatted for a while but he was flirting and I flirted back pretty shamelessly, there was some light physical contact ("accidental", of course) and then he brought up the topic of relationships. To be more precise he asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him I've never had a boyfriend. After finding out I was a virgin he offered to "educate" me and provide use of himself if I so desired.

And the rest needs no description.

Mind you I am fully aware that this is a no-strings-attached fling, and I am in no way going to fall for this guy because honestly he is only here for 2 weeks, and he has some MAJOR emotional baggage on him *ominous*... I don't ask more about it coz I don't wanna open Pandora's box and unleash a shitstorm

So at the end of this week (and possibly this little escapade), I have learnt a few new things, but the most important thing I learnt is not a good one:

I was dissapointingly a pushover and allowed myself to be pressured into having unprotected sex despite always telling myself that preventing STI's are the most important part of having fun safely. It was highly irresponsible of myself and left me in a lot of personal conflict for days as I always thought I had a strong will but obviously I have no backbone in real situations under pressure.

I also blame my partner as he should have respected my requests to be protected at ALL times - I should have got up and left on those nights.

In any case, whatever the outcome I now know better in future circumstances as it really isn't worth it. Time to put steel rods in that backbone. I just hope this doesn't end up to be a costly lesson.

I haven't regretted anything just yet.

Time Flash!

Aaaand WHAM! It's already the end of July! Time really flies when you don't want it to! Whats happened since I last updated?

1. I got employed!
Yup. I got an interview back home, hopped on a plane and passed the interview 2 days later :D. Granted it was only a contract for 6 months (probation, bummer) but I decided I needed to kill time AND gain work experience whilst awaiting for my visa to be processed. That stint is nearly over so I'll be heading back to KL for a couple of weeks, and then back to Melbourne sometime in September to job-hunt and wait for my visa to go through.

Good thing though, as I decided I do not like the idea of working as a dietitian back in Malaysia (especially in areas where a Mandarin-challenged banana like myself cannot function). ideally if I were to come back i would prefer to work in KL, but if that cannot happen then perhaps a job in sales *looks pointedly at Nestle and Danone, and possibly L'oreal/Estee Lauder wtf*  

2. I cut my hair!
The last time I had it chopped short was back in '07, when I first headed off to Newcastle. After 5 years I decided I had enough of long curly (or this time frizzy and dead) hair.  

3. I planted some apple seeds!
I was on an apple-a-day phase, and one day I randomly thought "wouldn't it be nice if I could grow these seeds?" as I spat out the seeds in my hand (mind you, this is after I failed to grow my lavender Eggling *fail*... and some bokchoy seeds which I bought started to grow mouldy rather than sprout *double fail*). It's good to know that the one time I decided to sprout something from seeds which I didn't pay for really worked out well in the end!  

4. I bought a tea set! (or two, nyahaha)
Earlier this year (or was it end of last year?) I bought a Masaki Tachi banko-yaki teapot from HOJO at the Gardens. The only thing missing are some clay cups to go with it. Then I was seriously lemming some Noritake teacups at BSC. I saw them from outside and it immediately caught my eye, and it was one of those "OMG I NEED THEM" moments.
 
Speaking of "OMG I NEED THEM" moments, I realise I hardly overspend money or stuff but when that moment hits I will spend all I can to own it despite how ridiculous it is. For example the earliest memory I can remember was at the age of 6. I saw a knitted sleeveless top with a sequinned Minnie Mouse sewn on it. I stopped in front of the shop and wouldn't leave until my parents bought it (possibly threw in a super-brat tantrum too). The shirt cost more than RM100 which was A LOT of money at the time, and we weren't rich either. But my parents gave in and bought it. Funny thing is I never wore it HAHA because it was an adult's shirt and I was a dwarfy 6 year old. I just looked at it hanging in the cupboard and felt happy wtf. Other things included a porcelain doll chucked somewhere under the stairs, a Gloomy Bear shirt I bought in Melbourne.

But I digress. Anyways, I've been trying to work really hard and reasoning with myself before ending up with another failed purchase *coughminniemouseshirtcough*, so I dutifully dragged myself away from the shop. Last week I saw the same cups, this time with a teapot. A TEAPOT!! I don't care if it was made in Sri Lanka, but I really really really love the Blue Sorrentino pattern! Now that its mine, I promise and swear to myself not to buy anymore fine china until I purchase something from Meissen(German) or Herend(Hungarian). Crossing my fingers till the Eurotrip (if it ever happens), and hoping Dad will help to foot some of the costs of those handpainted lovelies. Ooh train-of-thought derailing again! There was this really cute figurine of a kitty in Noritake, it was fat and purry (thats right, purry!) and to die for! Already lemming over it haha so much for swearing off non-handpainted china.

Whew long post. I'll end it here for now. :D

Update!

That's all. Just an update to remind myself not to let this blog die. Very much like my social life is. Or what remnants of it that's left.

That being said, what has happened since my last post? Let's see.. I have applied for more retail jobs and I finally got off my procrastinating ass and applied for a proper dietitian job.

I also got rejected for the one I mentioned in my last post wuuuuuu T^T you'd think by now I'd be immune to it, but nobody likes being rejected I tell you, NOBODY! (unless you're perverted in that kind of way then come let me unleash my fury on you *cracks whip*)

It makes me feel worthless *sigh*

And it doesnt help that I've turned into some sort of pubescent boy and started sprouting lumpy zits full of pus all over my face. Its like all those thousands of ringgit spent on Accutane treatment was for nothing. And my periods are out of whack. Good god, i'm turning into a manhormonal imbalance much????

Then again it could be because I put away two whole boxes of Digestive biccies in like, 4 days. So much for making Banoffee pie. Ooh and to stop myself from pigging out on Tim Tams (I put one whole tray away in a day last week, no wonder my face is like this) and taking the Micchus's precious ones, I told her she could have a dollar for every TimTam of hers I eat. Which works pretty well because I am kiamsiap that way.

Except that yesterday I was naughty and had a go at hers HAHAHA she doesn't know yet coz I snuck one from the end of the pack. I should leave a note with "$1" on the empty slot no? I want something sweet to eat now dammit! *storms off angrily*

会いたい今。

I've been sighing a lot more lately. Thanks a lot. I am frustrated that I don't know how to go about you, and also frustrated because I'm not even sure you are worth frustrating over about!! ARGH dilemma.

Then again I also could be sighing a lot more as I am now out of a job, and have resumed my hermit-like ways of being cooped up at home, looking forward to the weekends and the next possible outing with you.

I'm supposed to be applying for jobs now, but I've been procrastinating. Will do so tonight. In addition to proper dietetics jobs, I've been trying to get part time jobs in fashion retail.

Ooh its time for the Bold & the Beautiful! *goes off to watch*