I'm in a bit of an emotional slump. It's probably a combination of stress and loneliness. I told him on his last night here that I had no romantic feelings for him. It's true, I only care for him like how I would care for any of my friends here; the only difference is I'm not sleeping with my other friends.
Also because from the start I knew this was only going to be casual no-strings attached and I'm VERY good keeping my heart guarded. So good in fact that I'll probably die alone.
(Also because, quite honestly, at the end he turned out to be quite an asshole. Like hell I'd be in a relationship with someone like him. He set off so many warning bells in my head)
Which brings me back to my slump. We all know where the stress is coming from, only time and tests will get rid of it so it will address itself. The loneliness is terrible though. On the same day he left, I had to also say goodbye to my student whom I had been supervising for 5 weeks. Another loss *sigh*.
What I miss most is having someone to talk to, social interaction after work with someone I don't work with, and the physical contact that comes with sex. I didn't particularly enjoy the act itself, but what I loved and craved the most was the feel and weight of someone else's body on mine, the warmth and smell of their skin, their vocalizations, and most of all just being held close.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
06.08.2013
It has been a while. I have been back in Oz for a while now, and recently scored a year's contract in a seaside town.
I am only blogging about this week because there has been a significant event in my life.
At the age of 24, I have finally done it.
He was a 3rd year medical student I was supervising. He set my heart racing the moment I set my eyes on him - tall, dark haired, athletic build, GORGEOUS smile and facial structure. He seemed friendly enough, I took him through what my job encompassed and showed him how I did physical assessments on my patients (and sneaked a touch on his abs, pervy me.. hey I was just checking for ascites! :P)
He asked what there was to do in around here and I said basically there was nothing to do, the gym was an option though! After working out I invited him over for dinner coz he didn't have any dinner plans and I was planning on cooking curry chicken anyway. The next day he asked me out for dinner but I turned that down as I was working late - I did however go over later with some takeaway pizza.
So we chatted for a while but he was flirting and I flirted back pretty shamelessly, there was some light physical contact ("accidental", of course) and then he brought up the topic of relationships. To be more precise he asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him I've never had a boyfriend. After finding out I was a virgin he offered to "educate" me and provide use of himself if I so desired.
And the rest needs no description.
Mind you I am fully aware that this is a no-strings-attached fling, and I am in no way going to fall for this guy because honestly he is only here for 2 weeks, and he has some MAJOR emotional baggage on him *ominous*... I don't ask more about it coz I don't wanna open Pandora's box and unleash a shitstorm
So at the end of this week (and possibly this little escapade), I have learnt a few new things, but the most important thing I learnt is not a good one:
I was dissapointingly a pushover and allowed myself to be pressured into having unprotected sex despite always telling myself that preventing STI's are the most important part of having fun safely. It was highly irresponsible of myself and left me in a lot of personal conflict for days as I always thought I had a strong will but obviously I have no backbone in real situations under pressure.
I also blame my partner as he should have respected my requests to be protected at ALL times - I should have got up and left on those nights.
In any case, whatever the outcome I now know better in future circumstances as it really isn't worth it. Time to put steel rods in that backbone. I just hope this doesn't end up to be a costly lesson.
I haven't regretted anything just yet.
I am only blogging about this week because there has been a significant event in my life.
At the age of 24, I have finally done it.
He was a 3rd year medical student I was supervising. He set my heart racing the moment I set my eyes on him - tall, dark haired, athletic build, GORGEOUS smile and facial structure. He seemed friendly enough, I took him through what my job encompassed and showed him how I did physical assessments on my patients (and sneaked a touch on his abs, pervy me.. hey I was just checking for ascites! :P)
He asked what there was to do in around here and I said basically there was nothing to do, the gym was an option though! After working out I invited him over for dinner coz he didn't have any dinner plans and I was planning on cooking curry chicken anyway. The next day he asked me out for dinner but I turned that down as I was working late - I did however go over later with some takeaway pizza.
So we chatted for a while but he was flirting and I flirted back pretty shamelessly, there was some light physical contact ("accidental", of course) and then he brought up the topic of relationships. To be more precise he asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him I've never had a boyfriend. After finding out I was a virgin he offered to "educate" me and provide use of himself if I so desired.
And the rest needs no description.
Mind you I am fully aware that this is a no-strings-attached fling, and I am in no way going to fall for this guy because honestly he is only here for 2 weeks, and he has some MAJOR emotional baggage on him *ominous*... I don't ask more about it coz I don't wanna open Pandora's box and unleash a shitstorm
So at the end of this week (and possibly this little escapade), I have learnt a few new things, but the most important thing I learnt is not a good one:
I was dissapointingly a pushover and allowed myself to be pressured into having unprotected sex despite always telling myself that preventing STI's are the most important part of having fun safely. It was highly irresponsible of myself and left me in a lot of personal conflict for days as I always thought I had a strong will but obviously I have no backbone in real situations under pressure.
I also blame my partner as he should have respected my requests to be protected at ALL times - I should have got up and left on those nights.
In any case, whatever the outcome I now know better in future circumstances as it really isn't worth it. Time to put steel rods in that backbone. I just hope this doesn't end up to be a costly lesson.
I haven't regretted anything just yet.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Time Flash!
Aaaand WHAM! It's already the end of July! Time really flies when you don't want it to!
Whats happened since I last updated?
1. I got employed!
Yup. I got an interview back home, hopped on a plane and passed the interview 2 days later :D. Granted it was only a contract for 6 months (probation, bummer) but I decided I needed to kill time AND gain work experience whilst awaiting for my visa to be processed. That stint is nearly over so I'll be heading back to KL for a couple of weeks, and then back to Melbourne sometime in September to job-hunt and wait for my visa to go through.
Good thing though, as I decided I do not like the idea of working as a dietitian back in Malaysia (especially in areas where a Mandarin-challenged banana like myself cannot function). ideally if I were to come back i would prefer to work in KL, but if that cannot happen then perhaps a job in sales *looks pointedly at Nestle and Danone, and possibly L'oreal/Estee Lauder wtf*
2. I cut my hair!
The last time I had it chopped short was back in '07, when I first headed off to Newcastle. After 5 years I decided I had enough of long curly (or this time frizzy and dead) hair.
3. I planted some apple seeds!
I was on an apple-a-day phase, and one day I randomly thought "wouldn't it be nice if I could grow these seeds?" as I spat out the seeds in my hand (mind you, this is after I failed to grow my lavender Eggling *fail*... and some bokchoy seeds which I bought started to grow mouldy rather than sprout *double fail*). It's good to know that the one time I decided to sprout something from seeds which I didn't pay for really worked out well in the end!
4. I bought a tea set! (or two, nyahaha)
Earlier this year (or was it end of last year?) I bought a Masaki Tachi banko-yaki teapot from HOJO at the Gardens. The only thing missing are some clay cups to go with it. Then I was seriously lemming some Noritake teacups at BSC. I saw them from outside and it immediately caught my eye, and it was one of those "OMG I NEED THEM" moments.
Speaking of "OMG I NEED THEM" moments, I realise I hardly overspend money or stuff but when that moment hits I will spend all I can to own it despite how ridiculous it is. For example the earliest memory I can remember was at the age of 6. I saw a knitted sleeveless top with a sequinned Minnie Mouse sewn on it. I stopped in front of the shop and wouldn't leave until my parents bought it (possibly threw in a super-brat tantrum too). The shirt cost more than RM100 which was A LOT of money at the time, and we weren't rich either. But my parents gave in and bought it. Funny thing is I never wore it HAHA because it was an adult's shirt and I was a dwarfy 6 year old. I just looked at it hanging in the cupboard and felt happy wtf. Other things included a porcelain doll chucked somewhere under the stairs, a Gloomy Bear shirt I bought in Melbourne.
But I digress. Anyways, I've been trying to work really hard and reasoning with myself before ending up with another failed purchase *coughminniemouseshirtcough*, so I dutifully dragged myself away from the shop. Last week I saw the same cups, this time with a teapot. A TEAPOT!! I don't care if it was made in Sri Lanka, but I really really really love the Blue Sorrentino pattern! Now that its mine, I promise and swear to myself not to buy anymore fine china until I purchase something from Meissen(German) or Herend(Hungarian). Crossing my fingers till the Eurotrip (if it ever happens), and hoping Dad will help to foot some of the costs of those handpainted lovelies. Ooh train-of-thought derailing again! There was this really cute figurine of a kitty in Noritake, it was fat and purry (thats right, purry!) and to die for! Already lemming over it haha so much for swearing off non-handpainted china.
Whew long post. I'll end it here for now. :D
1. I got employed!
Yup. I got an interview back home, hopped on a plane and passed the interview 2 days later :D. Granted it was only a contract for 6 months (probation, bummer) but I decided I needed to kill time AND gain work experience whilst awaiting for my visa to be processed. That stint is nearly over so I'll be heading back to KL for a couple of weeks, and then back to Melbourne sometime in September to job-hunt and wait for my visa to go through.
Good thing though, as I decided I do not like the idea of working as a dietitian back in Malaysia (especially in areas where a Mandarin-challenged banana like myself cannot function). ideally if I were to come back i would prefer to work in KL, but if that cannot happen then perhaps a job in sales *looks pointedly at Nestle and Danone, and possibly L'oreal/Estee Lauder wtf*
2. I cut my hair!
The last time I had it chopped short was back in '07, when I first headed off to Newcastle. After 5 years I decided I had enough of long curly (or this time frizzy and dead) hair.
3. I planted some apple seeds!
I was on an apple-a-day phase, and one day I randomly thought "wouldn't it be nice if I could grow these seeds?" as I spat out the seeds in my hand (mind you, this is after I failed to grow my lavender Eggling *fail*... and some bokchoy seeds which I bought started to grow mouldy rather than sprout *double fail*). It's good to know that the one time I decided to sprout something from seeds which I didn't pay for really worked out well in the end!
4. I bought a tea set! (or two, nyahaha)
Earlier this year (or was it end of last year?) I bought a Masaki Tachi banko-yaki teapot from HOJO at the Gardens. The only thing missing are some clay cups to go with it. Then I was seriously lemming some Noritake teacups at BSC. I saw them from outside and it immediately caught my eye, and it was one of those "OMG I NEED THEM" moments.
Speaking of "OMG I NEED THEM" moments, I realise I hardly overspend money or stuff but when that moment hits I will spend all I can to own it despite how ridiculous it is. For example the earliest memory I can remember was at the age of 6. I saw a knitted sleeveless top with a sequinned Minnie Mouse sewn on it. I stopped in front of the shop and wouldn't leave until my parents bought it (possibly threw in a super-brat tantrum too). The shirt cost more than RM100 which was A LOT of money at the time, and we weren't rich either. But my parents gave in and bought it. Funny thing is I never wore it HAHA because it was an adult's shirt and I was a dwarfy 6 year old. I just looked at it hanging in the cupboard and felt happy wtf. Other things included a porcelain doll chucked somewhere under the stairs, a Gloomy Bear shirt I bought in Melbourne.
But I digress. Anyways, I've been trying to work really hard and reasoning with myself before ending up with another failed purchase *coughminniemouseshirtcough*, so I dutifully dragged myself away from the shop. Last week I saw the same cups, this time with a teapot. A TEAPOT!! I don't care if it was made in Sri Lanka, but I really really really love the Blue Sorrentino pattern! Now that its mine, I promise and swear to myself not to buy anymore fine china until I purchase something from Meissen(German) or Herend(Hungarian). Crossing my fingers till the Eurotrip (if it ever happens), and hoping Dad will help to foot some of the costs of those handpainted lovelies. Ooh train-of-thought derailing again! There was this really cute figurine of a kitty in Noritake, it was fat and purry (thats right, purry!) and to die for! Already lemming over it haha so much for swearing off non-handpainted china.
Whew long post. I'll end it here for now. :D
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Update!
That's all. Just an update to remind myself not to let this blog die. Very much like my social life is. Or what remnants of it that's left.
That being said, what has happened since my last post? Let's see.. I have applied for more retail jobs and I finally got off my procrastinating ass and applied for a proper dietitian job.
I also got rejected for the one I mentioned in my last post wuuuuuu T^T you'd think by now I'd be immune to it, but nobody likes being rejected I tell you, NOBODY! (unless you're perverted in that kind of way then come let me unleash my fury on you *cracks whip*)
It makes me feel worthless *sigh*
And it doesnt help that I've turned into some sort of pubescent boy and started sprouting lumpy zits full of pus all over my face. Its like all those thousands of ringgit spent on Accutane treatment was for nothing. And my periods are out of whack. Good god,i'm turning into a manhormonal imbalance much????
Then again it could be because I put away two whole boxes of Digestive biccies in like, 4 days. So much for making Banoffee pie. Ooh and to stop myself from pigging out on Tim Tams (I put one whole tray away in a day last week, no wonder my face is like this) and taking the Micchus's precious ones, I told her she could have a dollar for every TimTam of hers I eat. Which works pretty well because I am kiamsiap that way.
Except that yesterday I was naughty and had a go at hers HAHAHA she doesn't know yet coz I snuck one from the end of the pack. I should leave a note with "$1" on the empty slot no? I want something sweet to eat now dammit! *storms off angrily*
That being said, what has happened since my last post? Let's see.. I have applied for more retail jobs and I finally got off my procrastinating ass and applied for a proper dietitian job.
I also got rejected for the one I mentioned in my last post wuuuuuu T^T you'd think by now I'd be immune to it, but nobody likes being rejected I tell you, NOBODY! (unless you're perverted in that kind of way then come let me unleash my fury on you *cracks whip*)
It makes me feel worthless *sigh*
And it doesnt help that I've turned into some sort of pubescent boy and started sprouting lumpy zits full of pus all over my face. Its like all those thousands of ringgit spent on Accutane treatment was for nothing. And my periods are out of whack. Good god,
Then again it could be because I put away two whole boxes of Digestive biccies in like, 4 days. So much for making Banoffee pie. Ooh and to stop myself from pigging out on Tim Tams (I put one whole tray away in a day last week, no wonder my face is like this) and taking the Micchus's precious ones, I told her she could have a dollar for every TimTam of hers I eat. Which works pretty well because I am kiamsiap that way.
Except that yesterday I was naughty and had a go at hers HAHAHA she doesn't know yet coz I snuck one from the end of the pack. I should leave a note with "$1" on the empty slot no? I want something sweet to eat now dammit! *storms off angrily*
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
会いたい今。
I've been sighing a lot more lately. Thanks a lot. I am frustrated that I don't know how to go about you, and also frustrated because I'm not even sure you are worth frustrating over about!! ARGH dilemma.
Then again I also could be sighing a lot more as I am now out of a job, and have resumed my hermit-like ways of being cooped up at home, looking forward to the weekends and the next possible outing with you.
I'm supposed to be applying for jobs now, but I've been procrastinating. Will do so tonight. In addition to proper dietetics jobs, I've been trying to get part time jobs in fashion retail.
Ooh its time for the Bold & the Beautiful! *goes off to watch*
Then again I also could be sighing a lot more as I am now out of a job, and have resumed my hermit-like ways of being cooped up at home, looking forward to the weekends and the next possible outing with you.
I'm supposed to be applying for jobs now, but I've been procrastinating. Will do so tonight. In addition to proper dietetics jobs, I've been trying to get part time jobs in fashion retail.
Ooh its time for the Bold & the Beautiful! *goes off to watch*
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Playing with a tiny little flame...
... but I don't know how or when to start :(
I feel so tempted to say something when you're online, but I can't. I don't want to scare you off, my circle of friends here in Melbourne is tiny, and if you're alienated from me then my circle will be diminished to just me. And Micchy.
Nor do I want to be teased. And (for now) I still dislike your cousin. But you seem like such a sweet boy. I just want to get to know you better, because I can't really say I like you till I actually know you a little more, no?
I just don't know how to start. The end.
A sad, and true story.
I feel so tempted to say something when you're online, but I can't. I don't want to scare you off, my circle of friends here in Melbourne is tiny, and if you're alienated from me then my circle will be diminished to just me. And Micchy.
Nor do I want to be teased. And (for now) I still dislike your cousin. But you seem like such a sweet boy. I just want to get to know you better, because I can't really say I like you till I actually know you a little more, no?
I just don't know how to start. The end.
A sad, and true story.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Last chance!
A couple of days ago while working at the bookshop, two guys came in. I recognised them from a few days ago, they came in to look for Law textbooks.
So I went up to them and cheerily asked "Hello again! Can I help you?" And one of them goes "Ah so you remember us! Yeah we're just here after some books. And yeah the last time we were here my mate here *jabs finger at the guy with him* asked you out for a date but you turned him down! And he's not the type to take no for an answer!"
At this point my face is still frozen in a smile but my brain was like *wtf no I don't remember this was this Jess he's talking about?* Commence nervous laughter.
"Heh heh, well I'm afraid I shall have to dissapoint him again by saying no... again?"
And then I sort them out with their books and returned to the till to wait and see if they were gonna buy more books. They didn't and left the store. As they were leaving the store the dude pops back in and says "Last chance! Are you available this weekend for a lunch date?"
And I went "Heh heh heh? What?!!?" And shake my head. And then my boss comes out from the office with big smirk on his face and asks "Was he hitting on you". I say clearly no, coz the guy in reference didn't actually say anything it was his friend that did all the teasing. He then asks if I thought the guy was cute, but I was unpacking books at the time and answered "huh? do I think this *book* is cute (wtf)???" And when I realised he meant the guy I said maybe, some people may find that kind of look attractive but not me. Boss states his surprise, he however felt the guy looked a little Wog-ish. And I said "Really? I didn't check to see if he was wearing socks"
Boss gives me a "wtf" face. I said because back in college, my housemate teased me when I wore socks with my sandals. She said it was a very Wog-gy thing to do. So I always thought a Wog was a person that wore socks with their sandals/slippers/loafers. Boss roars with laughter. He tells me a wog is a person of Greek/Italian descent.
But I already knew that lol. And boss himself is a wog. Too bad I didn't check to see if he was wearing socks with his slippers haha.
Boss and my manager didn't let me live the next few days unteased about that incident. They kept shouting "Last chance! Last Chance!" at the most random moments such as when ordering my lunch, or when I am going to the toilet, or even when the shop is too quiet wtf.
So I went up to them and cheerily asked "Hello again! Can I help you?" And one of them goes "Ah so you remember us! Yeah we're just here after some books. And yeah the last time we were here my mate here *jabs finger at the guy with him* asked you out for a date but you turned him down! And he's not the type to take no for an answer!"
At this point my face is still frozen in a smile but my brain was like *wtf no I don't remember this was this Jess he's talking about?* Commence nervous laughter.
"Heh heh, well I'm afraid I shall have to dissapoint him again by saying no... again?"
And then I sort them out with their books and returned to the till to wait and see if they were gonna buy more books. They didn't and left the store. As they were leaving the store the dude pops back in and says "Last chance! Are you available this weekend for a lunch date?"
And I went "Heh heh heh? What?!!?" And shake my head. And then my boss comes out from the office with big smirk on his face and asks "Was he hitting on you". I say clearly no, coz the guy in reference didn't actually say anything it was his friend that did all the teasing. He then asks if I thought the guy was cute, but I was unpacking books at the time and answered "huh? do I think this *book* is cute (wtf)???" And when I realised he meant the guy I said maybe, some people may find that kind of look attractive but not me. Boss states his surprise, he however felt the guy looked a little Wog-ish. And I said "Really? I didn't check to see if he was wearing socks"
Boss gives me a "wtf" face. I said because back in college, my housemate teased me when I wore socks with my sandals. She said it was a very Wog-gy thing to do. So I always thought a Wog was a person that wore socks with their sandals/slippers/loafers. Boss roars with laughter. He tells me a wog is a person of Greek/Italian descent.
But I already knew that lol. And boss himself is a wog. Too bad I didn't check to see if he was wearing socks with his slippers haha.
Boss and my manager didn't let me live the next few days unteased about that incident. They kept shouting "Last chance! Last Chance!" at the most random moments such as when ordering my lunch, or when I am going to the toilet, or even when the shop is too quiet wtf.
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